you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
