I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
