Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
