I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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