a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
how drunk are you?
Several
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
