If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
