I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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