That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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