I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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