I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
