that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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