My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
