Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
