If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
