I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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