I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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