I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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