Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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