"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize