So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
