someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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