i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
