P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
