nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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