I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
