Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
