Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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