That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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