Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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