It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
