So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
