my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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