Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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