I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
