tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
