I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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