The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Randomize
