why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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