I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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