That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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