every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
