let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
