No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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