I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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