I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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