so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
