remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
