ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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