I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
