ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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