My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
No subtext here. People are naked.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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