giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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