Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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