if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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