did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
