Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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