i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
