Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
